around 1:45 am
January 27, 2009
Happy Chinese New Year! indeed, i have had so much since January 1, 2009. There was so much in store for me after all. Of all that things that have been troubling me, i thought i would not be able to come out of the water anymore. God has been good, is always and forever will be. I was so much stuck with turmoil that i had forgotten I still have myself to love, to live, to survive. Life would never have its contentment. It will always search for something higher than it once had been. Sometimes, we are too preoccupied of so much happy things that we tend to overrun the thoughts that they're not always there to stay. Just like the fireworks i watched earlier ago, I was so consumed by the happiness it brought to me. How it sparkled like millions of diamonds spread throughout the sky with different colors boosting to life. I was so happy by the sight of it, wishing it would never stop.. never end..
But then, things always have their limits, their ends. how i would like to see it again! but no! It can never be brought back again for it has passed. What had come would never be the same as it had been before. Life too, has it's way of showing fireworks in us, but as always, those fireworks would not come to stay.. to last..
If only i could turn back everything before i had made the 2nd biggest decision in my life. But no regrets! That's what keeps me pushin'. I dont want living a life of remorse and regret. What i had done was of my will and i had fun. Period. Im always fascinated by the euphoric feeling those fireworks had given me. For a while, i thought i could not watch them anymore knowing i'll be haunted by memories i seem to repress and suppress at the same time. God knows detour and He is very clever. He sent me off watching it with my friends, my best buds who have been my pillows during my most broken moments. I didnt have any unusual feeling of nostalgia watching those fireworks glow before our eyes. instead, i felt a sense of release. A clink of the chains and the locks that have been binding me for quite so long. Indeed, those fireworks who had once sparked my heart with utmost happiness was also the one who freed my shadow who has been secretly blaming her soul. It's time i go on my own..
Someday, we just don't know. i don't want to be expecting, but i will leave no closing. I learned the lesson a long time ago. So much for fireworks and tonight. Im just happy.... :)
hmmmmm..
i noticed my words were redundant.. guess its the confusion i had in my head during those moments.. i couldn't even believe i was still hoping we'd fix up the thing we had before back then. That was pretty stupid and lame. But i couldn't help feeling sorry for the one who made that journal
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