around 1:45 am
January 27, 2009
Happy Chinese New Year! indeed, i have had so much since January 1, 2009. There was so much in store for me after all. Of all that things that have been troubling me, i thought i would not be able to come out of the water anymore. God has been good, is always and forever will be. I was so much stuck with turmoil that i had forgotten I still have myself to love, to live, to survive. Life would never have its contentment. It will always search for something higher than it once had been. Sometimes, we are too preoccupied of so much happy things that we tend to overrun the thoughts that they're not always there to stay. Just like the fireworks i watched earlier ago, I was so consumed by the happiness it brought to me. How it sparkled like millions of diamonds spread throughout the sky with different colors boosting to life. I was so happy by the sight of it, wishing it would never stop.. never end..
But then, things always have their limits, their ends. how i would like to see it again! but no! It can never be brought back again for it has passed. What had come would never be the same as it had been before. Life too, has it's way of showing fireworks in us, but as always, those fireworks would not come to stay.. to last..
If only i could turn back everything before i had made the 2nd biggest decision in my life. But no regrets! That's what keeps me pushin'. I dont want living a life of remorse and regret. What i had done was of my will and i had fun. Period. Im always fascinated by the euphoric feeling those fireworks had given me. For a while, i thought i could not watch them anymore knowing i'll be haunted by memories i seem to repress and suppress at the same time. God knows detour and He is very clever. He sent me off watching it with my friends, my best buds who have been my pillows during my most broken moments. I didnt have any unusual feeling of nostalgia watching those fireworks glow before our eyes. instead, i felt a sense of release. A clink of the chains and the locks that have been binding me for quite so long. Indeed, those fireworks who had once sparked my heart with utmost happiness was also the one who freed my shadow who has been secretly blaming her soul. It's time i go on my own..
Someday, we just don't know. i don't want to be expecting, but i will leave no closing. I learned the lesson a long time ago. So much for fireworks and tonight. Im just happy.... :)
hmmmmm..
i noticed my words were redundant.. guess its the confusion i had in my head during those moments.. i couldn't even believe i was still hoping we'd fix up the thing we had before back then. That was pretty stupid and lame. But i couldn't help feeling sorry for the one who made that journal
this was my journal i wrote on a piece of my notebook.i put it here, unedited..hehehe *wooot*
Jan '20, 2009
"im feeling nostalgic & hysterical this night. If writing this could somehow fade the mixture of emotions that im feeling inside. Yes its him again. I dont know how he seemed to have evaded my mind but he just popped out and i could not erase it right away. Was he thinking of me tonight? As what they say when you remember someone out of nowhere? I do admit i still hadn't gotten over the feeling of loving him. I had attached myself too much and was confident, too confident to say the least, that he would stay for eternity. I wish, oh just how much i would like to wake up when i would feel nothing at all, numb from all the pains of yesterday. It's hard, really hard to love someone and deny the fact that love doesnt exist like fairy tales do. Sometimes, it's accepting there's no "happily ever after" and the witch comes to take your price charming away. Questions, thoughts about the future lurk inside my mind. Could i still give 100% to the man who would steal my heart? Or could there ever be again? This has changed some part of me, some part that i think was stolen. God knows if it could ever be replaced. Nothing lasts on this worldly earth that im living, but still, there's some determintion in me to quest and prove love lasts a lifetime. Im so broken and picking up the pieces is no easy job. Im taking steps but will still have to take time before i can run again with ease. im in the middle of nowhere still deciphering the road i will take. North? South? Northeast? The hell. If sleeping could erase my confusion at this point, at this moment, ill try.. Im not sure of all the answers i could get in my dreams but at least, it would rid me of all the scary and depressing thoughts that have been bugging me for the moment. Goodnight (-_-)zZzZzZ"
aww..hahah :D so emo isnt it?? haiz.. 
that was one of the point when i was expecting he was staying true to his word and that he would come back. Truth is, (i learned later) he had someone already..stupid me
i say it was really wrong trusting him. And never trust someone but yourself. Because in the end, no one's going to help you through it all but your same, old self.. just a thought.. *whistle*
hey Mr. blog. im back! ive been busy making my site look good so i will be inspired to do more blogs in the future.
speaking of blogs, i found my journals i kept when i was still on the process of disintegrating my whole. when my life seemed shattered and torn and when i felt i could not stand up on my feet anymore. it sucked. sucked on the point that i was not able to find solace with my friends and that the only thing i felt comforting was the deafening silence and the excessive sleep i indulge myself with. It kept me in my own isolation and each day seemed like an agony of eternity that would never end. I could never imagine being back to that same experience again. I had learned multitudes of lessons, made a million realizations and along with that, i experienced living a hell within myself. Even now, i could never imagine going back to that damned place i created. Nor i could think of loving stupidly again, giving your whole trust only to find out it was never appreciated. oh, the ironies of love..
here are a couple of my journals i had written when i was socially isolating myself..i really couldn't believe i was that girl before..haiz..better i didnt end up a lunatic
or something..hahaha *stupid laugh*
1:02 AM 6/29/2009
there.. its nice to be cuddling spooch after his heavy day of work for all of us..im happy, nevertheless, as i went to straw's house yesterday..being with straw always assures me that i am not alone in pursuit for God's man..we wait and we'll keep waiting for as long as He proposes to depending on His purpose for us.. sometimes, i am just in this state where i am quite thankful i get to enjoy all of myself and not have to worry for someone else. (except for my family of course) They say that a person who continuously jumps from one relationship to another is a sign that he is constantly assuring himself that he is loved and wanted and is often a sign of low self esteem..no,haha, im not likely telling i know that "person," i just remembered it when i was sitting in the jeep on the way home..but then, im also happy that we treat each other as "buddies" and he also makes a point to communicate with me..i was happy i had been honest about the confession that i considered not texting him anymore..and i was moved how he reacted positively to it..there was no more left of my old self now..it was all long gone and i noticed how matured i have become ever since it happened..im very much proud for the changes i did..but somehow, remembering it all pierces up to the insides of my skin..though at a lesser degree i can say..i dont know what will happen in the future; will he fall for me again?or me perhaps? however, whichever comes first, im adamant of my decision not to indulge to it anymore..no matter how inviting the options might be..i can say that after two tries it did not worked well..and i was devastated to say the least...how much more when i open my heart for the third time...this time, i say: "something is not always better than nothing..in this case, nothing offers lesser pain and heartaches..i can handle myself well but i dont think i can say the same if i enter a relationship..its the lowest in my priority right now..it's my time to wait..ive been there, done that.. nightie Lord..im sorry i missed our date today.. :(
2:07 AM 6/26/2009
I feel like im up for another of these things.. i want to practice blogging on my on network..heh heh.. it's my most favorite time of the day.. My Time where i can be all alone, my thoughts of the day all converging to complete the summary of another extraordinary day in my life.. Somehow, no matter how drastic my day turns out, or how simply happy i have been, i am always thankful i get to live one day at a time..Oh my! i could not even think when all your deadlines, worries and concerns for the future will all clash up to you in just a single day..everything has it's purpose as they say..as for me? im still living to find that purpose.. i feel utterly helpless right now..and so much unfocused for the coming board exams that i need to gather again all of my motivations and inspiration..im praying for it..and ill work on it!! I CAN DO IT!! I WILL MAKE IT! I CAN DO IT! I CAN TOP THE BOARD EXAMS!
i really find these babes amazing..couldnt seem to stop myself from laughing from the freaky but cool moves they've got..might as well be a tribute to dear MJ..it was sad he's gone..but his memory will always stay.
yip..! so i guess this would be the first in my vitual diary (i might think of a name for Mr. blog.)
i cant sleep..AGAIN..this would be on countless times because ive got insomnia and i dont know what's the cause *sigh*
so, i thought of finally finishing my account so i could do blogs..after all, when im at my other house i write down on my journal notebook (i usually keep my penmanship illegible so nobody can understand) hahaha.. :D
what could be on my mind right now? Hmmm.. im thinking how i encountered love on different angles today..yeah..they were from my friends and i coulnt help thinking why love affects a great part of ourselves..if i must compare it, its like the water percentage of the earth vs. the land..hahahah.. uh-oh..im getting nerdy *smirk*
you just got to have love dont you? dont we? dont they? *deep sigh*
it's not easy sifting thoughts and putting them into words..if i could do that, my blog would read like a freaking newspaper on the business section :D
i think i'd better sleep.. i got a big day coming ahead and i must not be late. (cause im always late!) *laughs*
id be back mr. blog.. (hey! the name suits..weee!) ill be calling him mr. blog from now on..dont know how long i could stop typing..there are still a lot of things i want to share.. *sigh*
But im saying goodnight for now..ill be back..one of these days i will..night (^_^) zZzzZ